Nov 22 2009
Opposites
Lately, I seem to spend most of my life feeling torn between opposing forces. For example:
~ I see ads on TV for hair colours, makeup, clothes, etc and I WANT ‘em all! But… I have been trying to simplify my life, to reduce the number of chemicals I put on or in my body, to reduce my spending on frivolous things. How can I be natural and still look really well groomed??
~ I’ve been slowly trying to reduce clutter in our home by selling or giving away things we no longer use. I love how much lighter I feel as I reduce our possessions. But… I see so many things and I just WANT ‘em! I’m such a sucker for bright shiny new stuff. I’ve been very good and generally I resist the urge to acquire, but some days it takes all my strength.
~ Enjoying life and looking to the future while continually grappling with my grief. I swing from feeling so completely destroyed by the losses I’ve experienced to feeling up and positive and planning for cool stuff in the future. Sometimes I think I’m almost manic in the extremes I feel. My poor, long-suffering husband! You feel his pain, right?
~ Adoring my children, feeling so incredibly blessed to have them…. Then seriously considering locking them both in a cupboard and going out shoe shopping! How is it I can be so in love with them, but some days I just really don’t want to be around them?? I think this has much to do with my grief - little things overwhelm me these days. Listening to a grumpy baby is pure torture, where in the past I would have just coped with it.
I wish I knew how other people coped with such opposing internal forces without imploding. Maybe other people don’t suffer from this?
