Sep 24 2009
Where Have I Been?
Where have I been - that is such a big question I’m not sure where to start. So I’ll start with where I was yesterday - the Craft and Quilt Fair in Hamilton. My wonderful hubby took the day off work and stayed home with the kids so I could go and enjoy the crafty goodness on.my.own…. What a treat. It was busy and crowded but wonderful. I came home with some beautiful stuff…I’ll post photos soon.
So… what has happened since my last real post (we’ll ignore the few random things I’ve recorded here), well a hell of a lot. To say it has been “the best of times, the worst of times” is an understatement.
Last november my beautiful daughter was born and she is such a blessing. But since then life has been pretty bloody tough to be honest. In december my brother-in-law was killed in a car accident, leaving behind a wife and 2 young children. In january my uncle died as a result of a long illness - not a surprise, but still sad. Our beloved dog Kelsey passed away in february, she was 17 yrs old, partially blind and deaf and she succumbed to the heat during a record breaking summer. The week before she died it had been over 40 C every day. But that all pales into insignificance (yes, really)… in april my Mum died after a long and courageous battle with breast cancer. I spent the last 2 months in Australia helping care for her with my Dad, sister and aunty. It was tough leaving my husband and son for so long, but I am so glad I was there. Mum and I got to talk and I feel blessed to have been able to look after her. But my god, it is the most distressing thing I have ever experienced. Watching my beautiful, strong, graceful Mum waste away and suffer so much was beyond belief. And I am so bloody angry I feel like I’m going to explode most days. She suffered so much and she is so missed and I need her but she’s gone. And I’m struggling to accept that this loss, this pain, is now a permanent part of my life. She was my best friend and I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.
But, I have to get out of bed every day and just keep going. My beautiful children deserve to have a loving, attentive Mum. My husband is wonderful and understanding, but truth be told, he just wants to get on with life. My friends all have their own lives and worries and stresses. So I put on my brave face and just get on with it. I am working on a few things that hopefully will help with my grief - things that are positive and fun and that Mum would have loved and that she would have been proud of me for. I’ll reveal more here as soon as everything is confirmed.
So that is why this blog has been so neglected. Caring for a very active 3 year old boy, a new baby, supporting a busy husband, caring for Mum and now coping with my grief has taken every ounce of strength I have. But I have missed this place and I really hope to be able to spend some more time here again, it brings me joy and I really need more of that in my life right now.
Hi! I just popped over here after the comment you left on my blog. Thank you for letting me know you visited and that my thoughts touched you. It means alot. Your year has been so full of loss - it’s the things nightmares are made of. I find it amazing that it’s possible to still wake up every morning, get up and keep going…somehow. I’m so sorry that your mum passed away. I know you must feel like your world has come to a complete stop and marvel at the fact that others can keep moving forward. Don’t they know that your mum isn’t here anymore? I remember feeling that so deeply. I have one little piece of advice. Grieve now. Let it come. Don’t lock it away to deal with when it’s easier or a better time. Everyone around you would be expecting it and are there to help out (babysitting while you get counselling, giving you space, or a hug). Take it from me - when you’re moody, pushing people away that you love and being a pain to live with in 5-10 years time, you’re accountable for those behaviours. Noone would expect it could be unexpressed grief making it’s way to the surface. Let yourself feel it - because if you push it away it will just stay with you raw and angry until it’s released. In my case years and years down the track (I wish I’d got counselling at the time so I could heal in a healthy way). I wish you well on this journey. There will come a time when the hurt and anquish of her death will wash away and you’ll just keep your mum’s life close to you. She would want you living whole and happy - it does not dishonour her to be happy again. Go for it - you deserve it. Take care, Julia x